Food: A Coping Mechanism

Next day disclaimer: Liam has pointed out that the reason I might eat so much is because I have the munchies 75% of the time… But continue reading because I think that there’s still much more to it then that.

(Written from yesterday’s perspective.) I’m all for freedom of choice, vices and all that jazz. I guess you could call me a hedonist. In general, I lack willpower and discipline and I’ve recently taken it upon myself to change that. I finally started my blog, I’ve been doing yoga every day (I’m on day 21 of the yoga challenge now) and I’ve made a genuine effort to eat out less. But I have a problem. I’m addicted to food. If I’m not eating or munching, I’m thinking about when or what I’ll eat next. Last week I went 9 hours without eating and after it had passed by, I couldn’t remember the last time I had gone that long without eating. Eating is my favourite activity but as I grow more aware of this, I realize that it’s quite problematic. To start, I don’t eat very healthy, I make an effort, but my effort is like, throwing a bunch of fruits and veggies into a blender and drinking that for breakfast, and then eating whatever I want for the rest of the day. I don’t really know how to cook or eat healthy so I look to improve on that as I continue to blog. Secondly, I’m not active. I bike, I walk places and I do yoga. I can lift things up and I used to be a fast runner but as I get older (lol I’m 22….) my body is getting loose. I don’t have the best self-esteem so I’m very aware of how I look, although this might just be my own morphed perception. Either way, my lack of confidence totally effects me (obviously) and I know that I can grow to feel great about myself and in turn, I’ll probably be more motivated to do things. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy, I just know that there’s a better version of me that I can be and I’m slowly working towards it. Starting this blog was the first step that I needed to take and it’s nice for me to have a place where I can reflect on my love/hate relationship (mostly love) with food.

This morning I had a banana, strawberry & spinach smoothie, shortly afterwards I had banana pancakes. I was sitting on my couch, watching Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (kooky show btw, I’m loving it) and I see this mostly eaten mini-bag of a new Ruffles flavour, mozza stix & marinara, eyeing me (I do not recommend them. I like mozza sticks and all but not synthetically flavoured chips of this theme). At this point, I’m not hungry, but I eat the chips anyway. I bought the chips last night and there were only 5 chips in there or something, but WHY? They weren’t even that good… Satisfactory but would not buy again, but I ate them, because I wanted to, I wanted to eat something salty after my sweet breakfast. Now I’m still sitting here, still watching Kimmy and I want to eat, I want to make an omelette. I want to taste something that I haven’t tasted yet today. I’m going to my mom’s for dinner later, and I just want to eat now! I’m excited, I wonder what we’re going to eat. My mom always cooks good so I’m looking forward to it and I want to save my appetite, but knowing me, I’ll definitely still have an appetite even if I decide to eat now. I want to say that I won’t give in but… I’m not going to make any promises. I’ll try to occupy my time, whether it be by rambling on WordPress, binge-watching Kimmy or doing yoga…

I eat when I’m bored, it’s easy, it’s accessible and it’s fun. It’s also a problem. I eat when I’m feeling down because food makes me “happy”, it’s a distraction. I’m aware while writing this that it sounds weak-willed but that’s why I’m writing it out. I know I’m not a weak person, I just… Am overly passionate about food? Well, while I’m passionate, I don’t think this side of it is passion, it’s a coping mechanism, I eat to distract, to have something to do. I’m writing it out to acknowledge this, I see the problem and now I’m going to work at solving it. This whole thing is like the scene in The Office when Dwight says that Jim is his enemy, but Jim is also his own worst enemy, therefore Jim is Dwight’s friend, except… not really? Now I know this is a bit of a downer of a post, but this is the dirty truth of my life, this is the realest me, acknowledging something that I’d been in denial about for a long time. Food is my love, but it could also be my downfall. Food should be enjoyed but it shouldn’t be abused, just like all good things 😉

june 1

xoxo KK

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P.S. It’s been 5 hours since breakfast and I’m opting for a piece of toast with all natural peanut butter lol.

Next day P.S. My mom made BBQ’d Oktoberfest sausages and pierogies. It was delicious. (I ate a salad too…. Heh)

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